Sunday, August 5, 2012

Emotional Blows

So you're trudging along, doing your workouts, eating heathy, and feeling pretty good about yourself.  "Look at me!  I'm doing great!  I'm losing weight, my clothes are fitting better, and I have more energy.  Woo hoo!"  You're reconnecting with friends, going out more, happy with the way things are going and then, BAM!  All of a sudden some huge emotional bomb goes off!
Maybe you have a fight with your spouse.  Maybe you lose a friend.  Maybe your parents are driving you crazy.  Whatever your emotional bomb, it takes a huge toll on what you've been working toward.  So how do you get through it?  Do you give in?  Do you go get that food you've been craving and let old habits take over?  Do you stop exercising?  Do you let life pass you by until you get through your crap?  Well, yeah, you could do that.  I almost did.  But it doesn't HAVE to be that way.
I lost a good friend this past week (and no, luckily he did not pass away), but it still sucks.  We'd known each other for a long time and had been close with each other's families.  Anyway, something got in the way of our friendship, and now it is non-existant.

So there I am, just sitting there after finding out, and I'm pissed!  I mean Furious!  LIVID!  Ready to go POSTAL on the person behind the issue.  But I can't.  It won't help anyone.  And as much as this sucks for me, I have to respect what my "friend" needs to do.  So now I am resigned. 

"This too shall pass." 

Well that's what they say right?  I talked to a good friend while it was happenening, and that kind of helped calm me down.  So I'm going on with my day, and...
AGAIN!  What the!?!?  All of a sudden, it really hits me.  I'm standing in the middle of my kitchen, and the tears just start pouring down my face.  In retrospect, these are some of the normal stages of grief, but no one died, why am I crying?  Well, I guess a good friendship just died, so I was grieving the loss of that.  I called my husband and told him what was going on.  He was great!  Sympathetic and kind, and he said all the right things.  He even made me laugh a little.

So I'm feeling a little better, but still sad.  And about an hour after that, I realize just how much this has impacted me.  I was supposed to workout, shower and then go to an appointment.  I did not feel like working out.  Ok, no big deal, I can do it later, and if I don't one day is not going to kill me.  (I've already talked about this one in "I've Missed Another One?!?")  So I'm going to get through this hellish day, and move on.  Tomorrow will be better.  I grab a protein bar on my way out and move on with my day.

In the afternoon, I realize that I'm not very hungry.  Uh-oh!  I just got finished with my cleanse, I just got my hunger signs back on track, what is going on?  Well, if you've read my story, you already know that I have a history with anorexia and over-eating.  So here I am, it's getting close to dinner time.  I'm not hungry becuase I am so upset.  But I should eat because, well, I just should. All I've had to eat was my morning Shakeology and that protein bar.  But I realize that in this moment, I have some old friends hanging around on my shoulders.

This is Skinny ED (Eating Disorder).  This is the guy that whispers in my ear that I should just forget it and not eat.  "You're so upset...don't worry about food right don't need it."  And unfortunately, I used to think that maybe he was right.

This is Fat ED.  He sits on my other shoulder and tells me it will all be ok.  "Eat the ice-cream, it will make you feel better.  It's soothing and you need some soothing.  Maybe you should put some chocolate syrup on will make it even better."  Obviously, I have listened to this guy in the past as well.

So now what?  Not only am I upset, but I haven't worked out and all my old bad behaviors are threatening to come out.  I even called my husband and asked him to bring home some "old friends."
UGH!  So I wrote a message to my coach.  She wrote me back.  We talked through all the crap going on in my head, and she helped me get past it.  I ended up eating a mostly healthy dinner, and then had green tea for the rest of the night.

Now I'm not going to say this was easy.  And it didn't just vanish the next day.  But I brushed off my shoulders (bye-bye Eds) and I made myself eat healthy and do a short workout the next day.  So for now, the Eds are gone again, and I'm working my way back up to full exercise mode. 

Going through a tough emotional experience is different for everyone.  But I shared my story to let you know that you CAN make it through.  And it is possible to do it without falling back into old bad habits. 

Not easy, but possible. 

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